The Mystery of Relationships

Good afternoon.

My husband died on July 24, just twelve days ago as I count it on my fingers. I have been in a white fog since, in most respects. 

I have cried but little, but since I was exhausted by the time he died, and sick from running back and forth and sitting in bad hospital air, I have been choking and coughing instead.  I told someone, "I have been coughing out my grief....," and it seems that that's what it is.

I have had company ever since Theodore died. My sons have been so good to come and straighten old mom out.  And they have been needed.  Now the one who came first is gone, and the one who came second is still here.  His seventeen year old daughter is coming tomorrow.  Two of my sisters came as they'd planned long ago, to take some family things allocated to them, and left again within twenty four hours. 

But when I think of my husband, I wonder--who is it who died?  What happened?  Whom did I live with all those years, suffer with and from all those years, travel with, enjoy life and love with over the years..who was he?

We are born into life in these rather tidy packages, and the being within us tends to get mixed up with the package and the packaging...within our forms are these mysterious beings whom we may never know, whom we may never have understood any better than we really understand ourselves (excuses aside!).  My husband was so many people, so many different images, so many different temperaments, talents, strengths and bewilderments...Just try to write an obit for your nearest and dearest.  Who was that person?  He was so deeply aloof in a lot of  his personality...I don't think anyone could ever have got in there ever in some parts of him.  His dislikes were so firm, his likes and loves as well...but still, could he or any other person be pinpointed?  That is why we write fiction, I guess.  Reality is too difficult.
Too elusive.  Too unknowable, unfathomable.  That just must be true of every person.  Mysteries, all of us. Mysteries in our creation and our existence at all...who are we?? 
    
I must confess that I do not know....Does anybody?

 YAZZYBEL