How to Be A Widow

The answer is: one day at a time!

And it is still difficult.

Yesterday marked exactly two months since Theodore died at Kaiser Hospital at about 10:37 p.m.  It hasn't gotten one bit easier from one day to the next.

New things happen all the time, however. Last Saturday marked my first minor wreck ,without his being around, for a long long time.  I cracked into this guy's rear end while I was craning around in an unfamiliar neighborhood looking for the Marshall's.  Of course, his was a custom-made red Mustang.  He was polite about it, however, 
but he did take down my insurance info even though neither of us could see any damage to self or vehicle.  He even pointed out the Marshall's to me at the end of our confrontation.  He was a very nice person and I did not have to cry.

And today I had a confrontation with a very young black lady in the Walmart parking lot after I whomped into a parking place when apparently she had been waiting for it (coming the other way at the corner)...she was really angry and she let me know it.  Cars were behind her honking and she wanted me to let her back up so I could back up and give her my parking place.  I said I couldnt do it because it was too late, just look at the people behind her already honking, and she just got madder and she said we SHOULD do it because it was HER place; she'd been waiting.  I said I was sorry, but I didnt move the car.  She really let me have it verbally and said I was lucky she didnt ram into me and bust my ass.  I didnt mention to her that that seems to be more my role now in the traffic scenario.  But she was mad and I wasnt as upset as I should have been--because I am exactly forty years older than she (by my guess) and I deserved something...respect, pardon, whatever.   And was already tired and it was only ten thirty a.m.

Each day presents its challenges and each day demands its solution.  I hate it that I had that heart attack last year and that I have to rest after lunch; it is a break in the day that is physically necessary but not usually really beneficial.  A friend says she has her nap from two to three after which she gets up and puts on her pajamas and is in evening mode.  I am not quite there yet, but it is now six oh three p.m. and I am more than ready to shut down the store for the night. It's crazy.

I miss my husband, and my old way of life.  I dont like being alone, and I dont like having to plan whether or not I am going to take a vacation and when and to where all by myself.  I dont like being alone at night. I dont like being alone all day either.  I am going to have to take some classes or join a crafts group (Lord, spare me!) or study the Bible or something just to put myself with other people somehow, people who know my name and either like or dislike me but at least know I am alive and around.  Well, from all this you can tell that after all this time I don't know much about How to Be a Widow. YAZZYBEL